It was a cold, rainy day in Mara Largo when The Donald drew his last breath. He died very angry because he ordered God to let him live because no one could live a life better than him. But Donald was no longer in control.
He felt his spirit leave his body as he was pulled into a portal of darkness. Donald was very frightened and started demanding that a light come on. Then he saw a light and heard a voice say, “Follow the light.” He came into the light and saw a figure of what appeared to be a man standing in front of him. He struggled to adjust his eyes and saw the most beautiful face that he had ever seen. The man’s voice was soft and almost a whisper as he said to Donald, “Hello, my child.” Donald said, “Who the hell are you, and where am I at?”
Jesus replied, “I am Jesus, and you are in purgatory.”
Donald: What do you mean, Jesus? I am the one and only King. There is no such place as purgatory, or I would have a golf course on it.”
Jesus: “No, my child, you were never a king. You are in purgatory to have a second chance to go to heaven.”
Donald “Of course I am going to heaven! Get out of my way. You are wearing a dress! Are you one of those transgender freaks?”
Jesus: “I am the Son of God.”
Donald: “You don’t look like the Son of God. You look like one of those Arabs. Why is your hair like wool and your skin dark? You can’t be Jesus. You are not white!”
Jesus: “Donald, do you wish to be forgiven for your sins?
Donald: “Sins? I have no sins! I am rich and I can do whatever I want to do.”
Jesus: “Do you wish to be forgiven for mocking a disabled man?
Donald: Hell no! He was fraying his arms around like a spider, and uh uh uh I can’t talk.”
Jesus: Do you wish to be forgiven for lusting for your own daughter?
Donald:” Oh yes, I remember that. But she is hot. Oh no, that is not a sin.
Jesus: Do you want forgiveness for sexually assaulting all of those young girls and females you bragged about?
Donald: But I am rich, and when you are rich, they let you do it. I can’t help myself. I just walk up and grab them.
Jesus: Do you want forgiveness for all the millions of people whom you kick off their healthcare and cause their sickness and deaths?
Donald: No, never! I showed that Obama with his fancy Obamacare. I told him that I would destroy it, and I did!
Jesus: Do you want forgiveness for all of the Veterans you dishonored?
Donald: Veterans! Those suckers and losers? They do not deserve honor. Especially those who were captured. Heroes, my ass. They are not heroes. They got captured!
Jesus: Do you want forgiveness for your greed?
Donald: Greed? I love money. Money is my god. Wasn’t that Trump University the best scam ever!
Jesus: Do you want forgiveness for all of your envy of others?
Donald: I don’t envy them. They envy ME. I am the best, the biggest, and most wonderful man who ever lived.
Jesus: Do you want forgiveness for gluttony while you took free lunches out of public schools?
Donald: These brats don’t need to waste money on free food. If their parents can’t feed them, then they should not have had them.
Jesus: Do you want forgiveness for all of the millions of lies that you have told?
Donald: But the truth would not have made them love me if they had known what a truly evil person I am. I had to make myself sound good
Jesus: Do you want forgiveness for giving huge tax breaks to the rich?
Donald: Never. I owe it to my friends that they do not pay taxes to support these lazy, no-good people who don’t work.
Jesus: Do you want forgiveness for not honoring your Mother?
Donald: Honor her? She was an immigrant, and I hate immigrants. The only good thing that came out of Germany was my idol, Hitler.
Jesus: My Commandment Thou Shall Not Kill. Do you want forgiveness for lying to the people about COVID that resulted in thousands dying?
Donald: I could not allow this pandemic to damage my legacy. Most of the people who died were old, and it helped drain the demand on Social Security. It ended well for me.
Jesus: My Command Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. Do you want forgiveness for cheating on all three of your wives?
Donald: I have a thing for beautiful women. They let me do whatever I want because I’m rich. I have an addiction to young, gorgeous blondes, much like my daughter Ivanka. If she were not my daughter, I would be dating her.
Jesus: My commandment Thou Shall Not Steal. Do you want forgiveness for all the rip-offs that you have pulled?
Donald: Those golden tennis shoes were epic. You should be happy that I was selling Bibles! My coins and trading cards were not so bad.
Jesus: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Surely you can see where you need forgiveness for this one.
Donald: Oh, how bad is a little lie? So what that the immigrants were not eating pets? Who cares?
Jesus: I think that I have heard enough. You have done some disgusting, selfish, and narcissistic things all of your life and never asked forgiveness for any of it. I have given you a chance for forgiveness, and you will not take responsibility for all the wrongs that you have done. The worst of your sins is to fool the ignorant into believing you and convince the weak of your lies to benefit yourself. Your worst hell will be to go back to life and be stripped of your money, lose your self-worth, and become dependent upon all of the entities that you have destroyed. Go now with the clothes on your back, whatever money in your pocket, and knock on the doors of those elderly you hurt, the poor you hurt with your selfish ideas, and depend on them to feed you the same way you fed them.
Donald: But I’m a rich, famous man and above the law, even yours.
Jesus: I am
Donald: But Jesus, you need me. I am the chosen one. I am more famous than you. I can shoot someone in Central Park and never lose a member of my cult. They are more loyal to me than they are to you. I love the uneducated, and I control them. I have half of America fooled to follow me. You can’t send me back as one of them. I can’t live on the streets or in cheap housing. I can’t wear clothes from Goodwill or eat rice. What happens to me if I get sick? I have no healthcare! How will I pay my bills? I have no Social Security. How will I eat? I have no food stamps!
Jesus: Welcome to their world. The world you created for them. You will reap what you have sowed.
Lynda Kirkpatrick