We all have heard “What goes on in the dark, comes out in the light”. and we giggle
thinking to “what goes on in Vegas, stays in Vegas”. The truth of the matter is, that there are many
profound, serious underlying issues while we giggle and the first one I think of is it is
easy to cover up the truth than be in reality and covering up can be blown out of portion (especially
when confronted by ‘who said/did what, and that’s when you are a burden (even after a long-
period of time of forgetting and thinking (‘well, that’s over and buried). Guess what? IT IS
NOT, for there is and always is someone who loves and will show up and ‘spill the
beans’ which is usually more brutal than the original!
I, like you, have had these experiences and do feel strong in addressing this ‘issue’ especially
NOW, in times like these… ‘idle hands, minds bring out ignorance, and hatred in hurting people and trying to resurface the past in order to hurt one’s present and their future.
This April 2024, I will share with you in 3 sessions: the ‘WHY’, THE Consequences and the
Conquering/dealing with this dreadful issue.
Secrets tear family members apart. No matter how big or small they are and at the heart of
each family secret is one of four common (in my opinion) for why a family member holds back…
(1) TO PROTECT SOMEONE
We want to protect ourselves from the shame, the judgment, the ridicule, but…there’s
somebody {else } we want to protect.
(2) TO COVER UP POOR CHOICES
When family members have done something they’re not proud of–as in the case of a teenager
who discovers she’s pregnant or an adult who’s dealing with marital problems–then they may
withhold information, lie or make up stories just to keep their poor choices under wraps.
(3) CAN’T FIX the PROBLEM
For some family members, keeping a secret makes it easier to pretend a problem /
disagreement never existed in the first place. As an example, someone whose family doesn’t
approve of interracial marriage may not tell his family members that he married outside of his race. Or, a gay person may hide his or her sexuality from family members who wouldn’t
approve of the lifestyle.
REMEMBER…PEOPLE who KEEP SECRETS aren’t just BETRAYING their family
members, but also THEMSELVES!!!
These are a few of the most common secrets we keep:
>>HURT another person (emotionally or physically)
>>ILLEGAL DRUG USE (Abuse of a legal drug, alcohol, painkillers
>>HABIT or ADDICTION (BUT NOT INVOLVING DRUGS
>>THEFT, PHYSICAL SELF-HARM, A LIE, ROMANTIC DESIRE (WHILE SINGLE), MENTAL HEALTH
STRUGGLES, POOR PERFORMANCE at work/school; PREGNANCY, NOT HAVING SEX;
A HIDDEN BELIEF (Political, Religious, Views about social groups, PREJUDICES
FINANCES, VIOLATION OF SOMEONE’s TRUST;
You might be wondering, ‘Are some more harmful than others?’ In order to answer this,
we need some way to compare the secrets to each other, some rules to hold them up against.
We are not alone in the secrets we keep, despite how isolating the experience of secrecy can
feel. Far from being what makes us different from others, secrecy is what we have in common.
This article and the next 2 will address the cores/remedies primarily targeted for ‘family’
secrets; however many of these can be applied to work/church/social secrets!!!
As you read this and the next 2 articles, please don’t be blindsided thinking I am pointing
fingers at you for WE ALL, BEING HUMAN, ARE SITGMATIZED and since we all are more alike
than different, let’s be real, compassionate in sharing with knowledge and a desire to help each
other {with GOD’s HELP and His GRACE/MERCY! Can I get an AMEN?
Brenda M. Jelks~Hutchinson
A ‘seasoned child of GOD’ still growing in HIS WORD with humble beginnings
and a grateful heart…TBC